Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw an inflatable ATM machine today. The screen said Please do not enter PIN

   it's that time of the year to again remind all the douchebags that think Xmas is a word that they are all going to Hell...

   What's the best poison for rats and people who reP0st sh!t??

   Lindsay Lohan was attacked in NYC, but is still alive... Epic. Fail.

   We are all just exchanging witty dialogue in the hopes of exchanging bodily fluids.

   Just saw my first flying squirrel. It was on the road in front of my truck as it flew from under a tire, over the windshield and stuck the landing head first on the sidewalk. It was awesome!

   Chicks piss on dudes all the time and call it squirting, so why was R. Kelly frowned upon...

   I only support gay marriage because I am afraid to deal with what happened to me at summercamp....but I am straight

   Why does Mike Tyson Cry during sex...... MACE LOL

   Say Hello to my little friend (҂`_´) < ,︻╦̵̵̿╤─ ҉ ~~~ • • • \

   I always feel a little smarter when its kids week on jeopardy RJ :P

   waited long enough with his pants down waiting for Google Earth to take a pictur

   You're the girl. I'm the boy. You text me first or we don't talk today.”

   My attractive female neighbour is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is.....purified? Oh wait petrified, sorry it's not easy r

   ...baby, if you were a sandwich at McDonald's, you'd be the McGorgeous!

   the only time I get blue b@lls is if the chick has blue lipstick

   Tiger Woods went from being "married" to "it's complicated."

   a barbie girl in a barbie world.

   God looked at Adam when Eve fell into the ocean and asked: "How am I gonna get that smell out of those fish??"

   Herman Cain justifying being accused of sexually assaulting 4 women is like a drunk defnding 4 DUIs