Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.

   My mind has gone wandering. If you find it, please tell it to come home, and to bring cookies!

   The train in Spain crashes mainly going way too fast.

   Wanna get homeless people excercise and running?....Tell em "FREE SHOES"

   I believe the smoke coming out of that Vatican chimney while they decide on a pope is all of them smoking fatties til they can come to an agreement.

   Hugo Chavez...Hey hey my my, the evil dictator finally died..And once you're gone, you can't come back, your so welcome to satan's act!

   Domestic terrorism is when my cleaning lady whacks me upside the head with a broom.

   Don't think of it as him cheating on you. Think of it as him making a new friend and their privates were just shaking hands.

   I'm a cat and when I smoke pot I gain the ability to type for 60 secmeow meow meow.

   WE WAS SO BROKE GROWING UP MY MOM USE TO KNOCK MY TEETH OUT JUST SO THE TOOTH FAIRY COULD BRING US SOME MONEY

   you are all small minded people here!

   I wanted to tell a mexican joke today, but I didn't want to go over the border!

   Shooting pool and darts are just sports for alcoholics.

   "Bae" means "before anything else" I always thought it was a ghetto word for "babe"

   You know you don't have to show your breasts on the Internet, sometimes leaving something to the imagination is just as sexy.

   I hope in 2013 people stop taking photos or videos with a 0.2 Megapixel potato

   I just got the new RG III wobble leg doll!!

   too positive to be doubtful, too optimistic to be fearful and too determined to be defeated.

   I'm not saying my wife's a fat b*tch, but I've had to put all the chocolate biscuits well out of reach. On the floor.

   But Mom! The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too!