Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ...warns you this Halloween to beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, and band saws.

   jumping as high as possible so he can take a sneak peek of Friday's preview.

   "If my life had a face.............I would PUNCH it!!"-Greg Thomas

   definitely prefers to be the gobblee than the gobbler... I'm stuffed.

   These E*Trade babies probably annoy everyone in the bar when they play Golden Tee.

   It's hard to explain puns to Kleptomaniacs because they take things literally

   We lost Meat Loaf and Louie Anderson today. They say celebrity deaths always happen in threes. Let's hope we don't have a third one. Hey, two out of three ain't bad, right?

   From what I've read, Jesus never had a problem with gay people. He also never wore pants.

   Donald Trump in 2008: "Well, I know Hillary Clinton and she'd make a good president or good vice president." Then why does Trump support corrupt people?

   Q: Is there intelligent life form on planet Earth? A: Only in a few areas.

   A heart felt "Thank You" for the birthday wishes Due to sanitary reasons, I will not and cannot accept any money that comes out of bras

   Trump reveals his medical records. They include Dr. Dre, Dr. Hook, and the Spin Doctors.

   My First Question In Hell: What do you mean there's no ketchup and no ice water?

   Ask not what your country can do for you, ask who can build a giant wall for cheap.

   Apparently grabbing your girlfriends boob, flattening it with your hands and yelling Surprise Mammogram isn't as fun for women than it is for men .

   Another celebrity just died this year....RIP Ronda Rousa Boxing Career

   Air Force One is a major downgrade for Trump! Will he stanhd for it?

   It is times like this that make me laugh at people from the south.Hurricanes & tornados, people still go to work, Snow, deserted streets and empty grocery stores.

   Negative People irks my nerves.. worry about yourself... maybe you're not getting promoted cuz you so negative!!!!

   I've stopped brushing my teeth in preparation for St. Patty's Day