Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who"s gonna win the Super Bowl? I predict Harbaugh wins hands down.

   "I know, baby, I'm lonley too" I whiper to the no show sock as we search for its mate.

   Being born was such a shock that I didn't speak for nearly two years afterwards...and still not normally.

   just remember guys, your problems are your problems but her problems are OUR problems...

   Fatass Quanicka ruined Casual Friday for every this past Friday......Sh e wore shorts

   I'm white, but not "says yes indeedy" white. No siree Bob!

   Whenever someone says "Oh you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "I wore a rubber?"

   I'm sorry to say, I won't be on Facebook anymore,.....see there's this ticket that I played today, and long story short....I've got to go change my identity now! Bye!

   I love riding my red Mustang into work,,, but I am tired of people complaining about horse crap in the parking lot.

   Office crime is real people! I was just held up at PowerPoint.

   God made cousins so that parents can compare our marks.

   Lord, please forgive these gas prices, for they know not what they do to my pockets...

   Even the Fonz couldn't look cool chasing a ping pong ball.

   I don't really hit women, I'm English, I get my butler to do it.

   I’m going to change my name to Benefits. Now when you add me on Facebook it will say, you are now friends with benefits.

   well the Oscars this year were dominated by the movie Pi....next year, I demand they make a movie named bacon....

   The Defense in this women's football team looks like it has a lot of holes to fill.

   The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

   Grammar: The difference between knowing your s&it and knowing you’re s&it.

   Relationship status ☐ Seeing someone ☐ Not seeing anyone ☐ Your mother is a wh*re ☑ SHUT THE F&CK UP, I'M WATCHING THE BATMAN TRILOGY!