Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My motto is: I can stay awake when I'm dead.

   I would punch your personality if it was possible. But your face will do.

   i am the kind of guy that likes to turn a woman on with a sexy dance.. Dances like "The Cabbage Patch" and "The Roger Rabbit", trust me it gets them wet... Normally wet from tears because they are laughing so hard but wet is wet...

   I'm as happy as a dog with two d*cks

   We all end up as stories to be told long after we are gone. Some boring, some tragic, some exciting.

   There's no better way to judge potential actors than people on their first date on match. Com

   The World Cup needs a shot of grape Kool-Aid.

   Yoga pants should be regulated. Excuse me ma'am, license and registration please

   My tonight my girlfriend is equal parts the internet, a tube of KY jelly, self-loathing and a sock.

   Pay attention she's giving you all the answers.

   Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.

   you’re a grown man who gets erections. what business do you have saying sh*t like “it’s my birthday month”?

   I'm gathering game request to throw back at you!

   I'm an accident looking for a place to happen!

   The best thing about fighting someone in a Denny's parking lot is win or lose you can go in and have some waffles afterwards.

   Ha!.. More like social needia, if you ask me....... ....Please go ahead and ask me

   How to laundry like me... 1)Throw all clothes in washer & turn on... 2)Forget about for 7 days... 3)Smells mildew... 4)Repeat steps 1-3... 5)Buy new clothes

   Opening a yoga studio just for dogs called NamaSit&Stay.... *Self,,,,Prepare to be rich

   If Nutella & marshmallow fluff made sweet sweet love & had a baby,,, I would eat that baby.. The End.

   My voting ballot is just an adult coloring book.