Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   GHETTO word of the day:CHINO, Chino like it when I spend my whole paycheck on beer

   Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? A: FULL!!!

   Seismologists have confirmed the cause of the quake in DC today was the Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves!

   If I'm reading this correctly the Second Amendment allows me to shoot a bear, tear off his arms and keep them.

   MSN News: Hippo caught on camera chasing boat. I think you'll find it was my wife, and she was Waterskiing.

   says the best answer to "(S)he died? What happened?" is "They stopped breathing"

   My mom woke me up today at 2, I was so hung over, she told me I needed to get a job, I told her I got 3 last night.

   What if... what if dogs love us so much because they know we're made of bones.

   "the Doctor of Death, and I have come to cure you of your life."

   My teacher gave me an F today on my paper, because she said the Bible wasn't a reliable source

   Man it boggles the mind why some retards even educated ones for that matter still continue to buy into these bogus faith healers' cons. People need to accept that healing ended with Jesus and everyone else is just a con-artist who should be arrested.

   Stupid kidney stones ! I was just rubbing one out and shot the cat.

   friends are like potatos,if you eat them they die

   I want to thank my trusted speech writers: Ctrl-C and Ctrl-V.

   Hearing those four little words always makes my day. “Your order just shipped.”

   The only thing Martin Luther King ever did for me was get me a three day weekend.

   waiting for MTV to check out my crib...

   Now that summer's over, I'd like to suggest to the ladies (and guys from Canada) that next year, unless you have a rear end made of perfectly sculpted stone, don't wear a thong.

   was surprised to find a Christmas present from last year while getting the decorations out. The kids were all excited as I opened the box. What a pity it was a dead puppy

   wondering if he's the only one who thinks the lady who got attacked by a chimp and showed her face on Oprah looks like a teenage mutant ninja turtle