Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   TOWEL MAN : If you're wet, call me!

   if I were sitting in a jail cell right now, why would you think I was there? ;)

   Women, your future is bright... Once you perfect driving we will have something else to celebrate... Too bad it's never going to happen!

   True Fact: The Shamrock Shake at McDonald's taste like leprechaun vomit, and it makes your turd green..........

   never on schedule...and always LATE!

   Two can be as bad as one It's the loneliest number since the number one

   going to the church of disneyland where pastor mickey loves everyone UNCONDITIONALLY.

   Just to let you know, Tequila and Tazers are a bad combo. We will miss you Sparky.

   You might as well do your Christmas hinting early...

   morning radio shows exist to read the internet to old folks.

   whenever someone annoying starts talking to me, I immediately start looking for an "X" I can click on them to make them go away.

   I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

   needing a triple shot of that juice!

   I feel like Charlie Sheen...I'm doing lines of code off the <table>

   I still haven't set my clock forward and refuse to acknowledge the time change. I'm not losing an hour of my weekend

   SHOW your true colors... and let people paint a picture of you.

   All of us get lost in the darkness, dreamers learn to steer by the stars...

   If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

   Even my pet rock has followers on Twitter proving that Twitter is for retards.

   I camped out for 3 days next to my computer to be first to get Missoni swag and then the site crashed when I clicked the buy button..