Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   GOOD for these men cheating. Maybe their wives should be taking care of bizniz @ home!!!

   reading the first 100 pages of the Economic Stimulus Plan!

   decided to burn lots of calories today.....so I set a fat kid on fire. :)

   Had colon cancer so they removed part of it. Now I have a ;

   To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into an Italian restaurant.

   Place aluminum foil in a paper shredder ... BOOM TINSEL !!

   Andy Rooney vapor locked today at age 92. I don't want to say he was old, but I heard his Social Security number was "1".....RIP you miserable old fart!

   Guys, ever have a dream where Angelina Jolie goes down on you and her lips explode all over your crotch? No? Well, you will now...

   Guess what? I'm dead. And if you think I stunk before, you should get a whiff of me now.-Ghadafi

   "I just saw you on tv" "OH MY GOD what channel?" "Animal planet"

   Teenagers dancing these days looks like sex standing up. Go back to Sluts-R-Us ladies.....

   Seriously! Just saw a Weight Watchers commercial on the Food Network... Really? That's like a Jack Daniels ad running on PBS.

   It's thundering so hard outside right now that it sounds like Rick Ross & Precious are wrestling.

   I like my ribs like I like my women. Hot, saucy, and on the bone.

   I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet Coke.

   B!tch please! Your bra has more stuffing than a teddy bear.

   On the 12th Day of Christmas Facebook gave to me,... 12 people I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 bad status updates, 9 Farmville requests, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites,... Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss, ...4 m

   Guns don't kill people. Oh wait. I guess they do. Sorry for doubting you, guns!

   My wife is in the bathroom yelling "could smebody tell this bathroom scale that april's foolsday was last week" nd am thnkng thts scary!

   Make sure your car windows are working properly when you decide to let a big one out.