Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lindsay Lohan is a dumbass. I think I'm going to sue E*trade too because my daughter's name is Lindsay and she has name recognition too!

   If your wife or girlfriend forces you to carry a "man bag", it's official: you've been "pursey whipped."

   pitching a tip to George Lucas for a new robot in the next Star Wars, the H1N1.

   excited when her friend asked her to come and see saw, then dismayed when we drove straight past the playground and arrived at the cinema...

   just tossed his wifes salad... with a lovely sesame ginger vinaigrette.

   There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently. A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.

   I just LeBron Jamesed my pants. Is that a thing yet?

   Sometimes I wish I could Ctrl, Alt, Delete my life

   Really hates the "Green Earth" Placards in the hotel bathroom. Hang up your towel, save the planet from extinction.....Leave the Towel on the floor, a Panda dies!

   Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't f#cking clap." I was that white guy.

   A man asks a HOT woman "will you go on a date with me" She says "your not my type" Man Quickly replies "You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night!"

   a social drinker. Someone says "I'll have a drink" and she says "Social I."

   Tonight's itinerary: watch MMA fight, go to hockey game, drink beer, scratch my balls.

   "I want you to tongue punch your fart box" ~~ my worst pick-up line ever, probably....

   Accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying "curiosity was here"

   If I like your status, please know that I'm mumbling "Screw you for being funnier than me" under my breath.

   maybe Jimmie Johnson is a better driver than I thought.... he managed to give Rick Hendrick a blow job and drive a victory lap at the same time...

   Homosexual has the same number of letters as cantaloupe. Coincidence? Yes.

   If women that like younger men are cougars are older men that llike young men Nittany Lions?

   Why is it of the few times I actually turn my TV on I'm subjected to seeing one of these stupid Geico commercials? The talking Gecko is not funny or cute. Newsflash Geico, your uncreative pointless commercials blow ass.