Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks this Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

   i just ordered a snuggie for dogs and I dont even have a dog... I just want to burn it because its the stupidest thing ive ever seen

   Where to find free beer and naked women. What? Crap! This isnt Google!

   I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.

   You can get anything from your man ladies just gag

   I see my ex is now on facebook and is married with children. Well one man's trash is another man

   Don't you hate it when all this hot, humid weather makes your nut sack look like batwings when they stick to your thighs? That's what Lady Ga Ga told me, too.

   Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is too precious, do not destroy it. Life is life, fight for it.

   My heart has a combination lock on it,figure out the code and you can have whats inside <3

   I'm so awesome that before I was born, my mother had an ultrasound, and they asked for a sequel.

   ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

   Nuts on a wall: Walnuts. Nuts on a chest: Chesnuts. Nuts on a Chin: BJ

   called Rick Astley last night to see if I could borrow some of his Disney Pixar dvds. He said "sure, no problem, you can have anything you want", but I'm pretty sure he's never gonna give me "Up."

   My poor girlfriend. She's been sick every morning so far this week. I hope she starts to feel better.

   The Flying Spaghetti Book: Garlic 3:16, And the Flying Spaghetti Monster so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son and that who so ever should believe in him should not perish but have everlasting pasta, rAmen.

   Be careful on how you pronounce "Schwarzenegger." You may upset some black people around you

   Every Adele song is about lasagna.

   I was devastated to hear about the bombings in Boston yesterday. Now, I'm all smiles hearing about the 7.8 earthquake that hit Pakistan and Iran today.

   GO HEAT! I don't mean the basketball team, I mean the temperature. It's so #&@^$#% hot out, I wish it would just go.

   Quierd = new word I just made up of being questionally weird to the point its queer weird. Example: This morning my wife stuck a broomstick up my a ss to wake me up, I felt quierd!