Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

   100 Days in. Only 6.8% of the way to another President! Yay!

   Ok..so I went ahead and gave Jesus the wheel but I still crashed my car and got a dui

   Excuse me sir; you left your weird Jesus pamphlet on your bus seat. Oh yeah? Well here's a revelation for you: that's called littering.

   Body piercing saved your life. -Jesus

   I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint. It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

   The worst thing about being a vegan farmer is having to wake up every morning and go milk the almonds.

   *spank* . DIDN'T . *spank* . I. *spank* . TELL *spank* YOU *spank* TO *spank* . CLEAN . *spank* . UP ? MOVE YA HAND !

   I once dated a guy named Dave who hated to be called David. Then, I dated a guy named John, who really hated to be called David.

   If you never felt up a passed out girl, your college experience scuked…

   wtf why does everyone on facebook think there models?

   I really don't care if he runs this country into the ground. As long as he pisses off the libs.

   Let's hear it for AIDS! Well played Supreme Court.

   What's 12 inches and makes women wanna have sex? My hunting knife...

   _Dick Clark died? That was rather sudden. I mean, they didn't even have a countdown or anything.

   Tim Teebow is like a tampon...only good for one period

   Dear Amy Winehouse, I would like to take this moment to congratulate you on a full 12 months of being sober, keep up the great work.

   mike pence’s full name is mechanical pencil

   hated it when old aunts and uncles used to come up to him at weddings, poke him in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

   While Simon Cowell was in Los Angeles for "American Idol," his home in London was robbed. Police say it was the work of professional thieves. Cowel described the thieves as "amateurish and uninspired."