Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   rain rain go away, thats what all my haters say

   What do Gas prices and Charlie Sheen have in common? They both are winning.

   I love Fig Newtons. Yes, You might say i'm a "FIGGIT".

   I'm at the Dentist. He looks in my mouth and says, "Holy smoke! That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen! That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen!" I said, "I heard you the first time, Doc, sheesh." He goes, "That was an echo."

   Breaking news!! Biden overheard telling Dr Jill, that Executive Orders were like Lay's potato chips. He stated "They're so good, no one, can sign just one".

   Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

   For one who thinks they're never wrong. I bet his school teachers found him to be a "real pleasure" to have him as one of their students.

   They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don't have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won't look weird.

   I once told my friend I was attacked by a shark. He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?" I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."

   I think what America really wants from the Trump clan is a pillow fight between Tiffany and Ivanka, or maybe a round of jello wrestling.

   Clown Lives Matter

   KellyAnne Conway looks tired and flustered every day!

   If anyone from Chile ever asks me to play hide-n-seek, I am going to hide first cause those guys are good!

   Let's start a post that will be positive . . . . What is on your Christmas wish list?? (in the real world, of course we'd all like more money, etc....)

   just risked a car accident to type this...

   Paul Newman's half-Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too, put them together, what a fine looking Jew

   We have Gandhi - India...beat that...Oh wait... he believed in non-violence

   I bet the vampires goes crazy when Bella is ragging....

   "Jesus loves you." It's so nice to hear that said to oneself in church!! ... "Jesus loves you." A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison!!

   President Obama's new campaign promise: " In my first term, I sang Al Green. In my second term, I'm going with Young Jeezy."