Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BEER BATTERED FISH: Still don't understand how beating it with a can of beer makes it taste any better.

   ...... Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

   Hey, parents of an ONLY child considering having one more,, know that I just split an M&M in half........ An M&M...... in HALF

   Don't ever Under any circumstance Call me by my Government name in public.

   My relationships are like fat girls. They NEVER workout.

   Hey man, I didn't see you at ninja class last night

   You may not Axe me a question, Go Axe a tree!!!

   So I informed the flight attendant that I was looking to join the Mile High Club and she said she didn't give a flying f**k.

   I once dated an amputee. She single-handedly changed my life

   I'm a Man......The world is my urinal.

   If I ever get into road rage again, and the person gets out of their car. I'm going to run them over under the Tony Stewart act..... Just saying

   Every time you open a bottle of beer, an angel gets it's wings.

   #OccupySesameStreet 1 bankers' corruption! Ah ah ah! 2 big too fail! Ah ah ah! 3 million foreclosures Ah ah ah!

   Dear Target: please fire your ad agency. That crazy blonde lady in red is annoying and will probably bring your sales way down. Call an audible and hire Walmart's

   Wish I could be a Victoria's Secret model... LOL JK I'm baking cupcakes and eating whipped cream straight from the can. WEA DA THICK GURLZ AT?

   ....... ATTENTION ..... Today is the LAST hump day in 2011 ....... there will never ever .... for all eternity ..... be another hump day in 2011 ....... so get out there and get as much humping in today as possible ............. that is all .... you may n

   What's the difference between a bagel and a $lutty fat chick? One's a roll with a hole. The other is a hole with a roll.

   I've been missing my wife lately.... but my aim is improving

   I just finished the last of the Girl Scout Thin Mints I've been hoarding. Child labor laws, schmabor laws. Those kids bake a damn good cookie.

   If a fat girl falls in the woods, do the trees laugh?