Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   TOMORROW...One of the greatest labor saving devices of today

   doesnt have a beer gut.Its a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

   Just like a magnet, you can always link a postive to every negative.

   you know your a redneck if you think S.T.O.P. means spin tires on pavement!

   McBoyfriend; a boyfriend whose idea of being romantic to his girl is taking her out to McDonald's.

   I found a new app for my smart phone, Its called Dumbass. Its supposed to alert me when after I've been drinking and I'm about to send a text.... It says hay Dumbass, are you really sure you want to send this...?

   When life knocks me down, I call her a b*tch and walk away. She hates it when I call her that

   Hosni Mubarak, the dictator just died

   Just got a toy black cat as a prize in a box of Lucky Charms.

   Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there...with a funnier status.

   The word "Excellent" has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his Grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I would call him an "excellent" shot, but I don't think that's what Bill and Ted meant by "Be Excellent to each other!"

   I'm opening up a special school for b@#$tard maid babies, I'm calling it "The Oprah Winfrey School For Bas@#d Maid Babies"

   i hate being single...my hard drive gets foll of adult videos really fast

   wondering what would have happened if we quit posting on page 2012...

   If you're an adult, you don't have haters. You're just a showoff .

   Don't text me after 11 pm unless you're offering me sex or bringing me food.

   The Superfriends hang out in the Hall of Justice, but has any villain ever actually been brought to justice there? Any indictment?Arraignment? Jury selection? Trail? How about for child support, alimony, probate, speeding ticket, overdue library book?

   I’m losing my hair and I have to pee every 30 minutes but I still get pimples and can jizz in 1 minute. I’ve turned into a 40 year old teenager!!

   Orange is the new Black, so....Have a great Orange Friday

   Ugly ass kids should not be trusted to be left alone with their cute newborn brother or sister with potential. Jealous knows no age.