Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since Jesus's birthday and Christmas are on the same day this year I'm only giving him one present.

   it okay to text my kids not to come home cause i'm gonna do their mom? I mean, it is 2013... RIGHT?

   Don't you just hate it when your friends ask you to flex, then your bicep smashes them in the face knocking them unconscious?

   Cap'n crunch without crunch berries doesn't make any sense to me

   You can't corner the Dorner.

   Tried putting myself in someone's shoes & now I have a smelly boot stuck on my head!

   I lost my mood ring and now I don’t know how I feel about that.

   Great to be Catholic this month! We welcome a new Pope, plus we get three major religious holidays! Palm Sunday, Easter, and to kick it all off...the most important...St. Patrick's Day.

   You may look physically better than I do, but GRACE is d Reason Why I ALWAYS Get what you wish you had!

   Oh bloody hell! Someone has eaten all of the figgy pudding! ツ

   Our economy would probably be much better if people only spent less time using facebook during work hours!!!

   being with someone who treats you like dirt really makes you appreciate someone who treats you like a goddess

   Loves getting brain so much I should be a zombie!!

   Alone is not bad, remember to be murdered is normally in the company off at least one other person

   NFL fans are forming their own union and are filing a lawsuit against the NFL. The union will be called the NFL-FU (NFL Fan Union)

   And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!"

   Nothing like being 29 years old and having your Mother threaten to ground you if you get another tattoo. Havent seen her this fired up since I got caught in a dirty chat room on AOL 3.0

   hanging out with charlie sheen, no explanation needed.

   I'll take Gary Busey & his nonsensical ramblings over Charlie Sheen & his b.s. any day.

   I think I need to buy my husband a box of tampons