Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women cant play football, well because no women like wearing the same outfit as other females!

   I love Facebook like Angelina Jolie loves to fill out adoption papers.

   Finished your 40 minutes on the treadmill, 30 on the elliptical, 20 minute cardio? Yeah? Now go read a book, dumbbell.

   I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.

   "Happy Mothers Day, here is your injunction" - Kobe

   You wouldn't be able to glorify peace if it wasn't for war!

   ...I can't believe we haven't heard anything else from Michael Douglas. I guess the cat's got his tongue...

   I want to motorboat her soul.

   If only tru mp called them sh1t$shows, then no one would be mad.

   the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters

   I went to a Mooslim birthday party laDamn if that wasn't the fastest game of Hot Potato I've ever seen!

   BREAKING: Donald Trump fires Corey Lewandowski as campaign manager, plans on replacing him with Gary Busey.

   I'm pretty opinionated for a guy who walks around the house talking to his dog in a Hillary Clinton voice.

   I got places to go! people to see! things to do! Hopefully soon if we could all stop going places, seeing people and doing things to help beat this virus!

   If Clifford the Big Red Dog was a cat, we'd all be dead.

   I can predict the future, for example, sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ oʇ sʎɐʍǝpıs pɐǝɥ ɹnoʎ uɹnʇ pןnoʍ noʎ ʍǝuʞ I

   Ladies, you can tell that your boyfriend really likes you when he removes the dirty dishes from the kitchen sink before peeing in it.

   Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card? I really need some bits for my kids Go-kart that's all?

   These Kenyan Airlines passengers seem to be down to Earth guys?

   When I was a kid we were so poor I had dandruff flakes for breakfast.