Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Play boy no longer have nude models...... What is this world coming to.

   I never go to bed with ugly women. But somehow I wake up with them.

   Getting married is the second most popular thing we do in our lifetime. Getting divorce is the first.

   Did you know my people invented the Toothbrush? If it was invented by anyone else, they would have called it a teethbrush.

   Your Nano died? No biggie, just recharge it. Oh. You said "Nana", didn't you? Damn.

   My wife used to be a size eight. Now she's a figure 8.

   9/13 Happy birthday Milton Hershey, thank you for the Hershey bar. Also is Scooby Doo day.

   Time heals all wounds, so if your uninsured, get a watch!

   Come on people, does your vote really count? Or is it just a big con?

   We squint at the sun because it's bright. We squint at people because they're not.

   In two days my optometrist promised me 2020 vision.

   Come join the world wide movement called "I pledge to bend over and pick up a random piece of garbage on the street or wherever I see it" movement. Like and share if you like to join!

   I think it's great that they're going to send a woman to the Moon which will be one small step for mankind one giant leap for women.

   My dog ate an entire bottle of Tums. I freaked out, so I called the veterinarian and asked him what I should do. He goes, "Take him out for Mexican?"

   [reviewing security cam footage to see what's eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it's me

   "A trail of clothes leading up to a bedroom before marriage ment a night of pashionate love making. Now it means you dropped them on your way from the dryer.

   A man broke a Guinness world record by walking barefoot on a 120-foot path of loose Legos. This beats the old record set by every dad getting up to use the bathroom at night.

   Everyone needs a backup man. My husband: plan. The word is plan

   My retirement plan is hoping that a really rich dude with a fat fetish offers me a million dollars to sleep with my wife.

   Taking things to the thrift store. But first I have to drive around with it in the back of my car for the next 3 months.