Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Running late today cuz there was a rare Pokemon 17 miles south of where I needed to be.

   Which room did Willy wonka get sent too??

   I never turn down email offers, currently my male genitals are 200 feet long.

   "We need to talk about your son. The only questions he got correct on the test were about the Kardashians." -Middle/High school teachers everywhere

   Just not sure if this is a sign of the apocalypse, but I just saw a tow truck towing a tow truck.

   Stop petting my peeves!

   I was trying to impress my new boss, but it turns out that "collage" is NOT a fancy way to say "college".

   You know when you get the shivers when you pee?.. That's because you just peed out a ghost.

   If loving the mole people and helping them enslave humanity is wrong I don't wanna be right.

   Could say we ate Velveeta sandwiches because we grew up poor, but, nah, we just liked ‘em.

   You haven't lived until you've had to force yourself to throw up 7 times so as to dislodge a fish bone you accidentally swallowed at dinner.

   I want to set the record straight.....I thought the cop was a prostitute!!!!...lol

   My son kept picking Tootsie Rolls instead of Snickers this Halloween like some sort of candy moron.

   WHAT IS THAT ? A TWISTED SISTER PIN, ON YOUR UNIFORM !

   "When did we first meet?" if we had sex the first I could recall otherwise dont waste my time !

   You go to the refrigerator to see if something is appealing and later on you return to see if anything is appealing as if something magically appeared. Same as checking Facebook throughout the day- the same ol' over and over.

   Houston, we have a problem. Never mind. It's nothing. You know what the problem is. Are you listening me me? Fine. -First woman on the Moon.

   So...this new show called The Wall. Is this what Donald Trump was talking about the whole time? Advertising an hour long game show about Plinko?

   My Favorite machine at the Gym has to be the Television

   Work has been a pain lately. Too much stress at this stage of my life...and for that reason...I'm out. If only life were like Shark Tank.