Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will never insult my ex... That idiot was once my happiness!

   I've learned so much from my mistakes... I'm thinking of making a few more...

   Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you cant laugh at yourself, call me...i'll laugh at you..!!!

   Happy National Day of Predation.

   Nothing makes me feel like a kid again quite like waking up in drool.

   He ate healthy, stayed fit, very well mannered, and got ran over by a truck.. what are the odds.

   Carefully vet all stories regarding the holiday. We don't need another "children dressing as Count Hanukkah the vampire" debacle this year.

   Dr. Drew, we're here because we love you, and we're concerned about your addiction to putting addicts on TV.

   I'm supposed to use beer to wash out the remnants of glue from my brain electrodes. Does it matter what kind of beer?

   *Facebook* How I look in photos I upload: s(•_•)z How I look in photos I'm tagged in: \(•~°)/

   To give myself a break from being so sexy all the time, I like to sleep 'normal.'

   Put your money where your mouth is and suffocate yourself with your money.

   Life is the 60 years between the only times when bingo and board games are an acceptable way of spending your days.

   starin at a fluorescent light Above him watchin the dust bunny fall like snow.

   I never bought you flowers, because I can't figure out what they mean.

   there's something about the people on Doomsday Planners that makes me think they're serious

   my memory is less like nerves connecting synapses and more like a dry erase board...

   You can't be 100% sure a girl you're talking to on Twitter is really a girl til she gets completely furious at you for absolutely no reason.

   I need a break is the new I'd rather not ever speak with you again.

   Ours was love at first fight.