Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I could count the mistakes I’ve made on one hand, if that hand had like a billion fingers.

   My last girlfriend said she wanted a commitment so I made a large purchase on her credit card.

   The only thing more creepy than getting poked by your cousin on facebook, is when you and that cousin are both males.

   A breakaway cop uniform might be a bit tacky but I think I could pull it off.

   "Second coat my @$$! -Michelangelo, upon completing the Sistine Chapel job.

   Sure we can make out, but I ain't pausing tonights episode of 'Murder She Wrote'.

   "Hey you want to Live Long and Prosper with me?" works great as a pick-up line.

   I trust myself less than I trust bed bugs to do the right thing.

   Nobody wants to hear anyone ever talk about "whipping out that Mexican thing again" unless it's homemade guacamole.

   Facebook live exposing sh*tty cellphones 2015

   Now pretend I said that sarcastically and read it again.

   I have serious problems with intimacy and first impressions and friendships and strangers and everything else.

   Netflix removed my 3 year old's favorite movie. THE APOCALYPSE IS NOW!!!

   Apparently calling your wife, who thinks you're at work, while you're standing outside the living room window and asking "have you seen any clowns outside" isn't very funny.

   As we grow older, gravity becomes more and more evident. Things begin sagging, drooping and bouncing. It's still better than the alternative. No, I don't mean death. I mean f@t going up.

   Hiding people's status' on your news feed is the best way of sayin' fck you're annoying but, I don't wanna delete you cuz' you'll notice.

   Forgetting to switch off your alarm on a day when you’re not meant to go Work is an invention of lucifer himself

   I only drink on days with a "T" Tuesday, Thursday and Today

   Life is short..... Unless you're married

   Good morning to everyone except if your name starts with S, just like my ex’s.