Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
"You should go to church".... "Sunday is a day of rest"..... Well which is it? Make up your damn mind! 
I sure hope my wife passes her kidney stone soon! I'm getting hungry...
forget kay....every kiss begins with a semicolon :*
You'd think dogs would be at least a little embarrassed with their buttholes just hanging out like that. But no!!!!
If I was a terrorist I'd want 100 sluts instead of virgins in the afterlife. I don't want to be a "disappointing first" for that many women.
My wife crashed the car this morning. When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating at the time. The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory
Did you know that it takes 3 sheep to make one sweater? wow, I didn't even know they can Knit !
We have no right to ask when a sorrow comes, 'Why did this happen to me?' unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way... jest sayin
If everyday is a gift, I want to know where I can return Mondays.
if you're upset about not getting a valentine, then you're probably on your period...
It's like 7 degrees today. I just hugged a guy & I had to call him an ambulance, he got 2 deep nipples stab wounds on the chest.
The aliens have never invaded cos every time they visit they only ever encounter redneck Americans. So they’re waiting for us to evolve.
Well, then I guess only one of us will be enjoying these next 3 years :)
Why is the creative comedic mind dying?
I have got a six pack if you want to see it just open my fridge lol
Canadian civics lesson: The Prime Minister,, is a minister who cannot be divided by any other ministers except for himself and one minister.
When something bad happens to me I know it's because I didn't donate that dollar to the children's fund at Publix
Shut your legs love, I can smell your issues from over here.
Thinking of going back to MySpace, pretty sure the even the NSA does not follow anyone over there
My semen glows in the dark. Should come in handy if I'm ever horny and also lost in a cave. 