Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just landed my dream job of "before" picture!!!

   Almost time for "New year the new me, 2016 is mine bull$hit. Your life sucked last year and it will suck again in 2016

   Get back here you stupid b*tch so that I can love you.

   Fellas what if your soulmate is dating a lesbian right now?

   The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club....

   You don’t have the right to say “the struggle is real” when your ass is still living with your parents.

   "Hit her with a chair!" ~Drunk guy watching fifty shades of grey probably

   SCUBA: Shark Comes Up Bites Ass

   Hoax 1. humorous or malicious deception. 2. something intended to deceive or defraud. (Some of you really needed to learn this.)

   It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

   okay. I guess i'm to old to keep up with modern pop culture. Who is Jennifer Lawrence and why does she have nude pictures of me?

   It's so cold in Canada the bank tellers wear ski masks!

   Size doesn’t matter. It only, took one little comma to destroy this entire sentence.

   I guess running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels

   Watching the Walking Dead and eating strips of Tri-tip soaked in BBQ sauce is turning out to be a horrible decision.....

   ohh Crimea a river Ukraine... -Steven E. Hewlett jr (Too SOON INC)

   Curing cancer. That's what you better do with all that free time you're saving up by spelling you "u".

   Nothing says, "creative genius" like posting, "Good Morning!" with a cup of coffee with a smiley in the foam.

   Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

   Written inside a Valentines card: Jet fuel isn't hot enough to melt steel beams, but you are.