Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only Marx I want to hear about is Groucho

   FOX needs to hire more women who look like Rachel Madcow. Problem solved.

   I gained an hour last weekend. I spent that hour figuring out how to change the clock in my car

   How did cavemen meet women? They went clubbing.

   Sooooo turtles don't eat pizza?

   What the hell is up with "Fun sized" candy? There is nothing fun about less candy.

   We should probably get ready for the Celebrity Plea for Donation....like they cant flip the bill themselves...

   I got caught with a booger on my finger. So I put it back in her nose and apologized for disturbing her nap. I'll try again later.

   I prematurely panicked with the hurricane Sandy warnings yesterday and ate my cat....now feeling remorseful.....

   People who say marriage is only between a man and a woman underestimate my love for pizza.

   This climate change stuff is so hilarious...

   "If this is Good Friday, I'd hate to se a Bad one!" ...... Jesus

   Casey Kasem is one of the "Top 40" adults missing in America.

   It's so sad that Leonard Nimoy didn't live long enough to find out what color that dress was.....

   Hey girl! Are you an Apple Watch because you can't seem to do anything without your iPhone.

   My parents never let me play with anything magical or watch anything violent as a kid. I just had family-friendly games trying to figure out who murdered this guy in the library with a wrench.

   Substitute " My ass" for "This girls" on fire and you're welcome Preparation H for your new ad campaign.

   ME: If you could sleep with... SUSAN: JOHNNY DEPP !... ME:...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. SUSAN: ohhhhh...

   My girlfriend just stormed out of an ice cream shop because they ran out of sprinkles, in case you’re wondering if I’m winning at life.

   man merely a mistake of G0d's? Or G0d merely a mistake of man?