Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That one password you use for everything and if anyone ever figured it out they could single-handedly ruin your entire life.

   Due to his anger issues, trigger finger and his apparent racial hatred...George Zimmerman had been asked by Law Enforcement to avoid all Black Friday events today.

   An illiterate man is a dead man walking.

   The opening sequence in The Lion King, but me lifting my first beer after work.

   If you insist on doing an April Fool's rib today, at least make a child cry.

   I'm killing drinks like it's the alcoholocaust.

   Kermit the frog puppets sales are up......but that's none of my business tho!

   "I Love You just the Way You Are" is the best compliment ever.

   Great canned tuna fish recipe: 1-Open can of tuna fish 2-Sit can on floor 3-Yell; kitty, kitty, kitty. 4: Now, go order a pizza.

   Disrespect: Giving someone half the peace sign without suggesting they are number one

   ...Singer Morrisey says Chinese are a “subspecies.” Sorry I'd write more but there's a subspecies at my door with my dinner

   I was thinkin bout her, thinkin bout me, what we gonna be? open my eyes, yeah... it was only just a dreammmmmmmmm .....

   maybe we can chug on over to mamby pamby land, where Maybe we can find some self-confidence for you, ya Jackwagon!! ...... tissue? ...... crybaby

   got bored with the eclipse and watched Lord of the G-strings instead.

   courtesy just isn't that common anymore. That and decent customer service.

   its a beautiful day in Mr. rodgers neighborhood.. .

   thank you for keeping me sober facebook....you are another source of support and you dont have any idea...i check in with friends and it keeps me busy...thank you

   Just walked in the shower with my socks on....AGAIN

   as I once heard from a Scottsman "Well Oil Beef Hooked"!

   I will not listen to people who burst my bubble because they are always negative. But I will listen to people who I know have my best interests at heart even if they burst my bubble.