Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Red sox clinch world series. L.A. Dodgers won't have to go to white house. So who's the real winner?

   America and Britain are having a competition on who can f*ck themselves up the most. Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

   I have zero interest in joining Parler. It's a safe haven for right wing conspiracy theorists, much in the same way FB is for the left. Where can we find truth? I'll tell you this, it's not from biased social media sites.

   What a shock. Young white guys defending a mediocre SB half time show.

   All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

   So, Pope Benedict is resigning. According to Nostradamus....errr the Bible, we only got one Pope left. Lets watch all the hypocrits run to become suddenly pious.

   Ever notice the Pope's hat looks just like an upside down McDonald's Biggie Fries box?

   I ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex..... Now birds keep crashing into my armpits

   Did you know the salt in the ocean is from all the misunderstood sharks, crying, because they just want to cuddle!

   wow danica patrick just got a rubber in the rear end in vegas on tv!

   Nothing says ''I'm a fat a$$ like wearing a T-shirt in the pool!

   WOW!! What a great dream!!! I'll never forget dreaming that me and ..um..um...um...Who was it?? Well, we um, um, um, um.....Oh crap!!!! Forgot it already!!

   If you can't be there for her tears, then don't expect to be around when other parts of her start gushing either...

   Did you ever stop to think that maybe broccoli doesn't like *you* either?

   I parked in a disabled bay in tesco this morning, a bloke shouted "oi what's your disability" I said "tourettes ya c*nt, now feck off":-)

   I coulda sworn Kobe came out of the closet years ago.

   GUILTY: Because you can't abort justice.

   I find it weird that restraining orders don't specify what kind of restraints to use.

   Call me old fashioned, but on some nights there's nothing quite like curling up next to my kindle fire with a good eBook.

   twas the night before Christmas & all through the trailer park, not a creature was stirring, not even a dog's bark (redneck edition)