Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Still waiting for this movie sequence where the guy running for his girl at a moving train slips off and dies under the train.

   If a road runs parallel to a river, there's probably a bridge nearby. No reason to cross five lanes of traffic, Frogger, you idiot.

   it's not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, who is poor

   Oh yeah Morgan Freeman... My Olympic moment involved an open bar. I don't remember the details, but I needed stitches.

   I love it when my computer says ” are you sure you want to continue unprotected “

   So ladies, that figure of speech he takes your breath away or is it how he holds you by the neck in the heat of passion. . .

   Actually, when I asked if my hangover could get any worse, it was more of a rhetorical question than a challenge

   Angels are just dead people who drink Red Bull.

   "There must be a very short line for your job."

   Humans have built civilization and traveled to the moon. It is a legacy for the world, but perhaps only a flicker of light for the universe.

   Someone once told me it was really cool to bang a snowman.

   I want to become a social media terrorist and take down facebook, myspace, twitter, and instagram. 95% of the people in this country would be in shambles and actually have to interact with real people again...

   Cold beer is always a good idea.

   going to convince my neighbours that I've installed a sauna by going to my shed in a dressing gown...

   My girl has been asleep for 14 hours now. I'm debating trying to wake her in case she's dead. But then again if I do wake her up I'll then be dead..

   A selfie where your heart used to be.

   I don’t know a lot, but I know Facebook is as helpful as a football bat.

   Sorry I buried the hatchet in your face.

   .... There are only two things that are certain in life .... and I took care of one of them today .... let's hope the other one holds off for a while ....

   The worst part about shooting a unicorn with a crossbow is that it turns into a real horse when it dies and no one believes you.