Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women plan to look so hot at their wedding that their "something blue" is everyone's balls.

   The guy who invented email, sadly, has died. He's been moved to the Permanently Deleted Items folder.

   I don't remember myself, but my parents love to tell others about the time they found me dancing naked on the kitchen table to the final Jeopardy music at age 2 or 3.

   You should never hide anything from your parents. "Getting caught" doesn't apply to me, when I was younger I walked it into the living room and said "I need bigger condoms", and walked away....

   My five year plan is that hopefully I'll be dead within the next five years...

   It's 4/20, remember to leave out milk and cookies for Snoop Dogg!

   Getting stoned to death doesn't sound like that bad of a way to go.

   Cutting the fat off bacon is like cutting the bacon off bacon.

   The thing's you think of when its 1:30 in the morning What if carpet grew like grass and every once in a while you would have to mow the lounge room

   Posted 14 hours ago Walked by a child clutching a stuffed animal. The kid made the stuffed animal's paw wave at me & now I'm finding it hard to hate everything.

   You know she is a psycho when she posts pics of her mood. SAD, ANNOYED, HAPPY, ANGRY.

   Always drink upstream of the buffalo herd.

   My internet goes out more than I do.

   There was a spider in my truck so I very carefully turned my hazard lights on and drove off a bridge.

   well since the Texas breakout Maybe I should go home sick with Ebola

   "The Force Awakens" ensures the next Star Wars movie is already better than "The Phantom Menace"

   I try to live each day like it's my last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry b/c hey, who wants to do laundry on the last day of their lives??

   If I was dyslexic,, I totally would've won Powerball last night.

   There's no feeling in the world like when two people want each other so bad... to die.

   Anyone can sell things people eat. The Bay leaf salesman is a true salesman!!