Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm drunk and I've got work tomorrow, but on the plus side. I'm having a great conversation with my dog

   She left the mental institution to be with me...I guess you can say she's crazy about me!

   FACT: your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate

   A cop pulled me over last night. I let him off with a warning.

   I don't consider them one night stands. I prefer to call the auditions.

   I'm changing my voicemail to say, "Hi mom. Just text me"

   I once complained that I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean seriously, it's not like he needed them or anything.

   Seeing eye Pit Bulls. They're for rough neighborhoods.

   My girlfriend wanted to talk to me about how childish I am but she didn't know the password to my pillow fort so she couldn't get in

   You know what really gets a lady wet?........Rain.

   The more you're human, the less friends you have.

   Lindsey Graham announced he is running for president. Nice to have a Southern Belle in the race.

   "I must make this movie" -- Nic Cage reading a menu

   I just got a back tattoo that says "Sorry kids, pay for your own damn college."

   My stomach is so torn up I'm playing Russian Roulette when I fart.

   Never fake your own death to get out of a relationship with a necropheliac.

   Good luck to all the Hunters this weekend! I've had no luck hunting White Tale all year!

   Even though I finished my test first, I wait for someone else to get up...

   You knowlife sucks when you can hear the girl you love moaning in the room next door where your bestfriend is...

   If you ever find me on my death bead, please take me off my death bed and put me in my alive bed.