Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dont win marathons because I'm lucky, I win them because I'm driven

   Uncircumcised? Hey, at least you have one hoodie she can't steal.

   Did you know the word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in every English dictionary?

   accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

   i miss when my mom would fix girls nails after they got in a fight for free if they showed her the fight video

   Just like CVS, I too can be your Plan B on Valentine’s Day for $48

   anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

   New US census report says nearly 1/3 of all millennials live with their parents. How many moulinyans live with their baby daddy?

   Came home from work so tired that I decided to just lie down and relax. Five minutes later there was a knock on the door. It was my butt just catching up.

   What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

   When Spock mind melds with Kirk they're collectively known as Spork.

   CNN just published a study that states if you skip breakfast, eat a light lunch and a big dinner, you won't lose weight. In a related study, fire is hot...

   I know a guy named Unique, has a twin brother.

   Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And the last day of your life so far.

   Almost that time if tear to whip out the Ol' cellular device and record a bunch of fireworks I'll never watch again.

   Now that Barry Manilow has announced his gender preference, his songs take on a whole new meaning.

   Guys I just seen this girl crying outside of my local mall. I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance. When God blesses you, you must bless others. Spread love

   That cat had more yards the. Jason Witten 🤪❤️

   Please enjoy this security camera footage of me not robbing the bank! It was recorded first, so the other tape of me dynamiting the vault, twirling my mustache, and running out holding sacks with dollar signs on them must be ignored!

   Tom work hard. Tom tired. Tom need break. Tom book Caribbean vacation. Tom Cruise.