Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   after dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that's not done at this hotel....

   "Monday" like Jerry Seinfeld says "Newman!"

   A slut does anything for any man, a freak does anything for her man, and a lady does anything for one man.

   Are you really worried that much about your internet history in the afterlife? Everyone knows you masturbate to porn, don't worry. No one needs to clear it when you die.

   Just curious, how many weeks can you wear the same pair of jeans before it's gross?

   She called it off because she found out she wasn't in the will.

   so impatient he flushes the toilet before he's finished peeing.

   How can a guy think he looks cool in pink shorts.

   i still dont know what a holler-back girl is >.<

   Bring Your Kids To Work Day" is most disappointing for the children of teachers..!

   I bet fish have a lot of arguments about what's causing the land to lower.

   I want to have a s3x change. From "none" to "lots".

   Jerk** I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   Hell has no fury like an ugly woman when she gets power.

   Everyone grows old but not everyone grows up.

   I was so confused as a kid, my parents said "Don't take candy from strangers". Then on Halloween they sent me to random strangers door for candy.WTH was that about?

   My wife just yelled that I pay more attention to Facebook than I do to her, or at least that's what I think she said to me....

   If Katniss and Peeta from “Hunger Games” were Hollywood celebrities, their super couple nickname would either be Katpee or Peeniss.”

   Pete Carroll Press Conference "I'm just here so I don't get fined"

   Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.