Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think we should put elementary school teachers in a position where kids can say " the president calls people ugly and losers so why can't I"?

   Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?

   I hate when my customers send angry emails to my boss just because I answered all of their questions with "Google it, f*ckface."

   Why are the Mexicans the only people with the Cojones to name their kid's Jesus?

   Balloons are so weird... "Congratulations on having a baby, here's a plastic sack of my breath"

   I just had a bad dream. I went to the Facebook log in screen and it asked if I wanted to sign in using my Myspace account.

   Lady Gaga is the reason why waldo is hiding.

   going to a fancy dress party in just his underwear tonight... and when people ask "what you come as" i'll say " A Premature Ejaculation, I've just come in my pants"

   enjoys seeing white guys with Chinese girlfriends, because he knows they're saving big bucks on massages.

   thinks the biggest similarity between a Gynaecologist and a Pizza delivery boy is that they both can smell what's in the box.. however they can't sample it!!

   here

   I "HOPE" we can "CHANGE" it back!

   Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!

   If you are in a canoe flying over the grand canyon and a tire falls off how many pancakes does it take to fix a dog house orange elephants dont like ice cream

   pregnant chicks get on the bus and think you suppose to give them your seat like b@tch you should of fcked a niqqa with a car

   I just saw a Middle-Eastern guy vigorously shaking out a carpet off a 3rd floor balcony in my condo building. I yelled out, "WHAT UP, AKBAR? IT WON'T START?"

   Obama promised change, then he changed the promise..

   for the first time in my adult life....i'm proud to be a Massachusettonian

   That awkward moment at the club when the white girl dances better than the black girl...#shame

   congrats to the NY Steinbrenners for buying....I mean winning the World Series!! Baseball is no longer America's Sport, the NFL is. Learn from them and get a salary cap!