Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
The best way to tell if you just got your ass kicked and lost the fight? The cops run to him and the paramedics run to you. 
Official #Facebook IPO slogan: "You've already wasted your time on Facebook. Now waste your money."
It's not that I can't sleep it's more like sleep is really boring.
If I was ever given just one month to live, I'd watch a baseball game. It's an eternity.
I'm a great musician. I was playing my trumpet at 5am when my neighbor threw a brick through my window. He must've wanted to hear me better.
How the hell do ballet dancers spin around so much and not get dizzy? I spin around twice on my seat at work and I vomit in the trash can.
"I don't care what anyone thinks!" - People who care what everyone thinks
Does anyone remember Tom's last name from Myspace? If he has a Facebook page I want to be his friend. I mean, he was there for me.
If I can just make it one more day without some kid that I've never seen before wishing me a happy father's day this weekend will be a success.
GUYS: dont you just love it when your girlfriends friends have worse relationships than yours!!!!
honesty is a very expensive thing that I wouldnt expect from cheap people
it true that the secret fantasy of a frustrated Amish woman is two Mennonite?
My favorite kinds of lists,,,,, # 1: short lists
Sometimes I Blue-Ball myself to start my day. That way I'll be just as angry as the rest of humanity and fit right in.
Always be nice to the kid who owns the baseball
getting to work on time only makes the day longer
According to this IRS form, I multiply line 32 by the opposite number of my dependents plus the logarithm of the number on line 17 unless my shirt has a front pocket and WAAAAA!! brain explodes
The second hand on my watch broke so I went and got a new one at, (you guessed it...) a secondhand store. While I was there I also bought a box of cigars, so this evening I'm enjoying secondhand smoke.
What kind of psychopath scrambles their eggs in the pan rather than before they’re put in the pan?
If meterorologist are people who studies the weather. Are people who study meteors weatherologist? 