Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   swearing to drunk that he is not god...

   If you don't like Mexican immigrants, then you go pick oranges for $5 a day.

   Had to call 911 today. They asked what my emergency was, I said, I'm being raped and robbed at the same time. They asked where I was, I said, The Gas Station!

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."

   A guy from the Saw Mill runs to the Doctor. He screams, "Help me, Doc! I just sawed off all my fingers!" The Doc says, "Calm down, we can reattach them, where are they?" "I AIN"T GOT EM!" "How come?" The guy goes, "I COULDN'T PICK 'EM UP."

   Ahh the Sunday after Easter... Catholics forgot where church was already, see you at Christmas!

   knows if you like drunk girls in high heels, you may also be attracted to newborn ponies

   What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?.....The cold shoulder.

   thinks the iPad is about as anti-climactic as Obama's first year in office

   I had a serious talk with my crew supervisor today, because nobody showed up for work. I told him we needed to let ONE go not JUAN...

   has hot water again...and a new found appreciation for her non plumber husband, who installed the HW heater perfectly...and looked kinda sexy with all that plumbers crack hangin out....hmmmm....think I'll go pollish his tool....!

   Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.

   I guess people "check in" anywhere huh??? surprised I haven't seen anyone check into their girlfriends vag!na

   Handles on a matress come in really handy, not only to flip your matress. big smile

   Rather than wasting time preparing to go to heaven when you die, how about joining us in celebrating and enjoying life here on earth.

   Yes ... Stop burning the US flag..... But ALSO stop waving the Mexican flag in America because that's disgusting af

   FACT CHECK: Hillary Said 90% of Clinton Foundation Donations go to Charity. Actual Number? ONLY 5.7% goes towards actually helping people.

   selling his soul for a bag of skittles

   OBama: Tears of a clown!

   A cure has been found for homosexuality. Lip balm - you rub it on your arsehole and it keeps the chaps away.