Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   such an unthoughtful farmer that he wants to smash his neighbor's White Mystery Eggs and slaughter their Baby Calf if he can't get them off his News Feed.

   "The next part will be difficult. You will be taken. So, can I borrow your car for like 3 days?" (Liam Nuisance)

   My church accepts any denomination. But they prefer tens and twenties.

   One good turn... gets all the blankets.

   forcing herself out of bed and off to work and thinking that retirement is wasted on the old!

   other than the two ton woodpecker trying to escape from my head I'm fine.

   wishes she could walk away, but her feet are stuck in the cement of your existence

   tends to seek forgiveness later rather than ask for permission now.

   some people are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker!

   The lies pornos tell...smh...Not every woman would f*ck some random guy at the door with a "special" package!!...and why doesnt he have shirt on??

   I don't wear a watch because I decide what time it is.

   According to scientists drinking one can of four loko is like drinking 4 beers, 2 red bulls, a small taco, a ghost and a park bench.

   not superstitious. maybe just a little stitious

   I felt like an escaped hostage after finally getting off the phone with this long winded guy...do

   another day closer to being worm food......

   somewhere between raising Hell and amazing grace.

   Started watching a documentary about Fort Knox but I found it really hard to get into.

   If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.

   i like kids, but I dont think I could eat a whole one

   It should be illegal to have humility as awesome as mine is.