Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jumped up for no apparent reason. Have not returned to the ground yet.

   My girlfriend has been looking for a tampon that fits her properly for years. She's finally given up and thrown in the towel

   Nicki Minaj judging singers on "American Idol" makes about as much sense as Mitt Romney judging a drag queen contest in West Hollywood.

   Dear Mr. Obama I know that you are busy with that whole deficit thing, but I seem to be having a deficit problem of my own paying over $4.00 a gallon in gas is not helping my situation maybe you can be a pal and look into that for me, Thanks.

   If Trump cured cancer, democrats would say he caused hospital profits to drop...

   just bought another load of laundry at Kohl's..

   Here's to the people who hit bongs, not women. Spark bowls, not arguments. Burn bud, not bridges. Save this world...one puff at a time.

   So America had enough money to go to war with Syria but don't have enough money to survive as a government. Priorities.

   says "Hhellloo iis tthiis tthhe oownnerr off ttthe sshhoop ttthhatt I ggott ttthe vvibbratttor ffromm?? Hhow ddo uu ttturrn ttthe ffucckkinn ttthingg oofff?"

   For Halloween I'm going to be a 6. Who wants to be my 9?

   Those Chilean miners are gonna be so surprised when they find out they were really on Big Brother this whole time.

   runs on Dunkin

   I wonder that when a bird gets a blow to the head,does it see a circle of flying humans?

   Happy National Weed Day!!! CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET A BONG???

   You're saying," All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don't get into relationships. " DO you have life?

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm sorry I "accidentally" put it in your butt.

   An app that tells you how much battery is left in your relationship.

   God may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding..,.God thinks you suck also.

   My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

   Gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.