Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I prefer the unfiltered version of a person.

   I've reached the level of unfitness where I have to stretch before playing video games.

   Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

   So where are all the Clown Rights groups? #ClownLivesMatter

   When I was young, I grabbed them by their pony tail......

   If anyone needs me, I'll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

   These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

   I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

   I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I dookie anymore

   Walking around mutterin' "Damn kids" while turning down the thermostat. The Walking Dad

   I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

   To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

   I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

   It was a mistake Friending you and I wont make it again

   Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

   My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

   I'd like to give a big shoot-out to the Earps and the Clantons

   FACT: the 2016 election didn't make anyone any uglier than they were already, it just made their pre-existing ugliness easier to see

   Anybody out there need some extra daylight? I've been saving a bunch of it since last Spring and I have way more than I need. I'm letting it go pretty cheap, so let me know if you're interested.

   Wait, the Goo Goo Dolls and Gin Blossoms aren't the same group??