Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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First scoop of Mars soil contains 2% water, now all we need is malt, hops, and yeast and life would be all good..... 
Sometimes, life is like a jar of jalapenos.... What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.
Sometimes life is like a profile picture....you have to ''crop'' people out that no longer deserve to be ''in the picture"
Headline in the paper: "Woman beats off rapist!" Well, that was probably a fair trade anyway.
Never trust a woman who doesn’t fart. You don’t know what else she might be holding back.
People who have never had a suicidal thought have probably never touched a wet public bathroom door knob.
My girlfriend and her sister got highlights in their hair. I blurted out 'frosted flakes' and don't remember a lot of the ambulance ride.
great news for those that talk $hit....PREPARATION H is now available as a chapstick!!
Know what goes great with vodka? Me.
It's almost impossible to find a good cream pie recipe on the internet that doesn't involve getting naked first.
Every time you make a typo the errorists win.
In honor on MLK I'm eating Oreos
Can't wait for the NFL Pro Bowl tonight said no one ever.
AGENT: OK so this role is abou- NICOLAS CAGE: I'll do it.
Some idiot just told me to "Take a hike" as if I don't love nature and finding inner strength through solitude
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it's not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I guess describing my wife's menopause as "the ole' fallopian tubes finally rusting shut" was not a good idea....at least I have a comfortable couch.
Wow! U.S. accepted Cuba BEFORE accepting Justin Bieber?There is hope down there. (Canadian observer)
I keep a glass of water on the nightstand in case I want to get up in the middle of the night and spill something on my phone.
While you're out partying, I'm playing Connect Four with Thin Mints, by myself. Who's the loser now? Not me I've won 5 sleeves times in a row. 