Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Seven billion other people on the planet. Congrats on yet another day without having your genitals collide with any of em.

   Question: What part of this $7.50 Walmart t-shirt makes you think I'd like to see the wine list?

   What's that electral dysfunction commercial that says "Call a doctor if you have a painful election lasting more than four hours"?...who do you call if it lasts a whole year? Oh wait it wasn't an election...oops never mind ;)

   For Halloween I'm wearing a big mirror on the lower half of my body and going as when you accidentally open your front-facing camera.

   This pumpkin patch better have a vintage tractor for us to take pictures on. I'm very serious about this.

   If you're curious about how cool I was in high school just know that I can do several tricks with a yo-yo.

   Let's all gather 'round the LED campfire simulation and listen to Grandpa play his accordion app on his cellular telephone is the best Halloween party idea ever!!!

   HAPPY PROCRASTINATION DAY! which was actually March 25th but I'm just getting around to it.

   with school starting back tomorrow, don't forget to thank the bus driver #Fortnite

   My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

   Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

   Looking for a date, he must -be an alpha male -not shave -howl at the moon -not eat all the dog biscuits at once -ok I’ve been single for too long

   As a man, never watch your woman struggle to pay bills ... dump her and find one that has some money.

   Jeffrey Toobin said he was willing to lend a hand, with Thursdays debate.

   If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

   Trying to argue with someone over text is like being italian and having to talk with handcuffs.

   I opened up this app & just keep swiping right at all the sexy pictures...I can't believe how many selfies I have stored in my pictures

   "The force is strong with this one". Me on the toilet.

   Anyone look in the mirror and it looks like you have hail damage on the back of your thighs . Asking for a friend.

   A federal budget that doesnt hurt the middle class? ? ? Well sign me up 3 times, even though I'm not registered democrate.