Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My mother in law won "best decorated house" yesterday for Halloween?..she was only opening the curtains?

   My mother-in-law sent me the link to the site where you can buy a boarding pass to Mars. She even offered to pay for the ticket. That's so sweet of her.

   Word of the day: Ididarod - Monica Lewinski's autobiography.

   I don't see any way for the Eagles to beat the Patriots now that Glenn Frey passed away.

   The Tide commercials during the Superbowl were not a hit with older folks but the kids are them up

   my ex was so obsessed with her horoscope. its what Taurus apart.

   It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas needs to be less commercialized so remember whose birthday it is.

   I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

   My dad called and said my mom accidentally took one of his men's vitamins. I go, "Yeah, so?" He said she's been bugging him to take her to Hooters but she won't let him Google the directions.

   I very much doubt God wants you to hate anyone.

   to finish below status, to be born in Kenya but it wasnt socialist enough.

   A 17-year-old whose death was initially linked to the novel coronavirus despite not having any previously reported health conditions was denied treatment at a California medical facility. Very Commie of them.

   Looks like I’m going to have to buy toilet paper. That brush next to the toilet hurts.

   If your blow up doll develops a runny nose, she is not COVID positive; she's full.

   I broke up with my girlfriend. She has leprosy and I got tired of picking up after her.

   I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

   [listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

   A Girl commented on my post, a guy replied, she replied again n they were abt 2 fall in Love so I deleted d post.

   Raisins are the Cougar of Grapes

   If you can't handle me at my [vomits] Then you don't deserve me at my [passes out]