Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trying to find my happy place again... but.... I may not find it, 'cause guys don't ask for directions.

   There are times NO actually does mean YES. Like when you ask a girl if she has daddy issues.

   why can they put enamel in paint but not on your teeth?

   Hey Janet Lehman, how about I send you MY program for free? It's called a BELT!! You're welcome

   Monday's should start at Noon because I can't get motivated to do anything till at least 12:30 or so on Monday's as it is.

   I want to fix you, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW.

   Here is a dollar, go and call someone who gives a sh!t.

   I sleep fully clothed for a week after a woman tells me... "Everything's going to be OK."

   What's the best age to abandon your children around the holidays so they can grow up to write decent blues music?

   I do the perfect imitation of a slug being poured salt on when my mom turns the light on in my room this early

   Mustaches are just wings for your nose

   "Remember to be rule a forward pass, the pass has to move forward." - Phil Simms

   Best thing to hear at work "yall just wait here for a while"

   You've been in a good mood three days in a row? Teach me this sorcery.

   Ever feel like whatever TV show you're binging at the moment becomes your baseline for reality?

   Fact: Historical pictures will look better with light sabers.

   What People Care About In February: 99% -- Deadpool, 1% -- Valentines Day.

   Valentines Day: Remember, there is no problem a few dollars & the strip club can't solve.

   A major shout out to hotel maids and maintenance people on February 15th.

   Friend, Best Friend, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Garlic Bread -- Only garlic bread has no "END". Garlic Bread will always stay by your side.