Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The day grenades stop exploding, i'll make it a point to catch one for you.

   Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - after being told she looked cool.

   rang British Telecom today and said "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said "Not you again."

   Finding a wasp in your car is already plenty scary, but I swear the thing was also singing Tupac's "Ambitions of a Rider." Now you're just taunting me, dude.

   The Dish Network had an ad I just saw where they say they have "the fastest growing subscribership!" Uh, when you're the company with the fewest subscribers, you have the best chance of people saying, "F*ck it, haven't tried these morons yet."

   eating breakfast at the Peach Pit since today is 90210. I mean....um....I didn't watch that show back in the day. A friend must have told me about it.

   Wake up in the morning feeling like Luke Perry... Happy 90210 Day!

   whilst watching england tonight I have come to the conclusion that peter crouch and wayne rooney couldn't score with a prost........oh wait

   wondering how Mel Kiper can look at himself in the mirror and not want to kill himself over the guilt of getting paid to be such a terrible "expert" in his field.

   As a taxpayer, I demand police escorts for emergency situations... Such as trying to get Ice cream to work from Braum's before its melts...

   wondering why the phrase, "I`m not being rude" must always be followed by "but" ?

   If I haven't done something you asked me to do and I say it's because life has "been crazy", it really means I've just been lazy.

   Archaeologists have uncovered what is to be believed as the remains of the worlds oldest dog. Also uncovered at the same site is believed to be the worlds oldest dog coller. It says, "i'm rex, if found return to Larry King"

   love can conquer anything, no matter how bad it gets it can always be forgiven by agreeing to put it behind you and getting on with being happy together.

   The Clitaurus is the most mysterious Jurassic-era creature to most male archaeologists.

   there's nothing like watching a commerical of people making out with a McRib sandwich......kinda turns m on

   wondering if you knew the the bird IS the word

   Great! Now all the pervs are going to apply for jobs with the TSA!

   I never did use my illusion. Is it too late?

   Oh, thank god! My barbecue will not be postponed.