Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them. 👌🏻

   How To Have Rodeo Sex: 1. Mount girlfriend from behind. 2. Tell her you think her sister is HOT. 3. Hold on!

   The fact that there is a "Highway to Hell" and only a "Stairway to Heaven" says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers...

   Police officer: "license and registration" Me: "DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS!?" Police officer: No Me: "me neither".

   It's not you. It's me. I don't like you.

   It's funny, these guys make a status complaining about someone re-posting, then their next status is a re-post!

   I met a girl in a nightclub last night when she whispered in my ear, "I want you to make me feel dirty and degraded." So I took her shopping in my local Wal-Mart Supercenter.

   I like a bit of badassness in a girl

   Favorite alcoholic beverage??? ...the one that has the alcohol in it...

   I just finished writing a book on monkeys... I DON'T recommend buying it though,,,,, monkeys make a TERRIBLE writing surface.

   Everyone without a tattoo should receive a prize for being unique.

   That gangsta feeling when you rap your favorite song without messing up.

   Pretty sure Satan is the mastermind behind the "can we talk" demon that women get possessed by.

   walmart..where theres more skin tags than price tags

   Black History Month should be called "Four Weeks Of Morgan Freeman's Voiceover Work"

   Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

   very upset!!! I had Lindsey in the Celebrity Death Pool at work.

   I wonder how much pot was being consumed to phrase the expression raining cats and dogs.

   My neighbor is watching porn...on his 72 flat screen..I can see it from 300 yards away!

   If you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.