Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My contact lenses have just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can't see sh!t.

   waiting for Santa to smack me and say ho ho ho

   My husband wears the pants in the family... I just tell him what ones to wear.

   What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the super bowl?....Dallas Cowboys

   Using a coupon is kind of like playing with your pen!s... At first you're embarrassed... but once the cashier has it in her hand... it's all worth while.

   if someone going to kill, they would purchase a gun no mater what laws were in place..

   I'm pro-choice on every social issue...Simply because it is none of my business how others choose to live their lives. We're only responsible on decisions we make.

   Here's an idea. How about if every person who doesn't want a wall will have to pay a fine? Sort of like Obamacare.

   Females who have multiple abortions should really start making it their business to swallow.

   i can honestly say I have never hated anyone, because that would imply I actually gave a shlt in the first place.

   It's Facebook people. Don't put photos of sunsets or cartoons or pictures of you cat.......post a photo of YOU for cryin out loud as your profile (showing some cleavage isn't a bad thing either)

   There's something fishy about this cucumber I'm eating.......

   Dear whoever is reading this, you're beautiful and someone out there is crazy about you. So smile. Life is too short to be unhappy.

   Who the hell watches Ellen Degeneres? she's almost as funny as the death of an immediate family member.

   China just reported an earthquake... but it turns out it was just everyone cheering at once when Romney said he'd create 12 million jobs.

   Sarah Palin said, "Polls are for strippers." Cute. Guess what Grandma? Birth control pills are for teenagers.

   if a midget with down syndrome is running late, is it ok to call him a little tardy?

   Video killed the radio star and the union killed Twinkies!

   need a good reliable used car. Which dealership does Mitt work at? I hear he is a good salesman.

   FUN PRANK: Go to a Barnes & Noble, and put ALL of the Bibles in the SCI-FI Section...