Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

   n't it amazing how the sound of one persons voice can ruin your whole day at work.

   Winning the game using deflated balls? Is this the NFL or the Tour De France?

   Day 12.. I haven't eaten apple in a week,, the doctors are slowly getting thru the barricade, I won't last very long, tell my family I love em

   Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not; they're looking at their phone.

   Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

   I flashed my full set of teeth at Walmart earlier this morning & I'm still here signing autographs and posing for pictures

   Nothing worse than meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life.

   i better have a baby soon before my Mom gets too old to raise it for me

   It's time to be concerned about unemployment when attractive people start losing their jobs.

   Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.

   was given 4 E's and LSD last night… Such an awful start to a game of scrabble.

   Just when you think you got the answer...someone changes the question.

   Put a diaper on that mouth cuz you talk a lot of crap...

   Drag racing would be a lot more fun if I didn't have to wear a dress.

   That psychic was terrible. She didn't even know I was going to run out without paying!

   A man basically goes through three phases in his life... He believes in Santa Claus...He doesn't believe in Santa Claus...He is Santa Claus.

   I'm excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?

   WHY DO OLD PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE THEY GOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD, BUT YOUNG PEOPLE DRIVE LIKE THEIR DAYS ARE LIMITED....?

   They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.