Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got a box of Animal Crackers the other day, and the box said, WARNING "Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken". I open the box, and sure enough...

   My vegetarian friend could not understand why I brought a bottle of ketchup on our hiking trip. “In case we get lost.” He's slow. Tasty slow.

   People think i'm shy because I don't talk or participate much in conversations. The truth is I don't really give a f*ck what they're talking about.

   I guess Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are dating now, and apparently it's getting serious. Friends say Kanye is the guy Kim wants to spend the rest of her month with

   Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won't be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that's what's been missing.

   Due to the failing economy, trick or treaters will be ID this year. I will be giving out candy to the ages of 6 to 9 years of age. Parents with infants, we know the child can't eat candy due to the lack of teeth. Get your own damn candy thanks.

   Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward

   Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.

   It's time to be concerned about unemployment when attractive people start losing their jobs.

   Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not; they're looking at their phone.

   Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

   Nothing worse than meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life.

   I flashed my full set of teeth at Walmart earlier this morning & I'm still here signing autographs and posing for pictures

   Winning the game using deflated balls? Is this the NFL or the Tour De France?

   Day 12.. I haven't eaten apple in a week,, the doctors are slowly getting thru the barricade, I won't last very long, tell my family I love em

   i better have a baby soon before my Mom gets too old to raise it for me

   was given 4 E's and LSD last night… Such an awful start to a game of scrabble.

   That psychic was terrible. She didn't even know I was going to run out without paying!

   Drag racing would be a lot more fun if I didn't have to wear a dress.

   Just when you think you got the answer...someone changes the question.