Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anything is possible when you have no clue what you're talking about

   I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.

   There's a woman on my train whispering her texts as she types them and now we all know that kevin might have herpes.

   I'm still watching the Never Ending Story

   After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

   Becoming skinny this summer is cancelled due to the virus. Pass the cupcakes...

   My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account

   I sleep better naked, why can't the flight attendant understand this?

   Forget dancing like no one is watching. Dance like a toddler. They don't even care if there's music....

   Diet Journal, May 10th: Ate 3 saltines like a wolf pack taking down a caribou.

   If Trump wins the election it'll be the first time in history that a billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black family.

   Just a Christmas reminder. Buy your kids a big pack of batteries and attach a card that says "Toys not Included".

   Bad reaction to medication. I will never buy my meds from the trunk of a Buick again!

   is upset that facebook won't let him start a relationship with himself

   Boy goes to a strip club; His mom gets angry and asks him: "did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see?"; Boy: ''yes I saw Dad

   95 and Hazy today, kind of like Bernie Sanders

   Trump has decided to build a wall around the FBI Building.

   Gotta listen to the little man inside. The little man knows all. Unless, your little man is an idiot.

   game over

   I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I'm gonna be pretty good at it.