Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy August 4! The International Beer Day!

   The worst sanction on Vladimer Putin: We send Justin Bieber to Russia!

   No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you've ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.

   Today is "Deflategate's" own Tom Brady's 40th birthday. Now that he's hit 40, footballs are not the only thing he'll have to worry about inflating.

   I just got fired for cooking broccoli in the company break room.

   How 'bout that Missouri? Great role model state, eh?

   In your faces, libtards! Mexico confirmed they are paying for the wall.

   He got a new series, It's Caillou's Wrath Ø69!

   If Trump cannot deliver the goods for the Kremlin, Putin will have him replaced by someone who can.

   I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction! She clattered her computer keyboard and said.."It's not coming up!"...I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!!

   Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

   I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.

   There is no "I" in "Team." But there is no B, C, D, F, G, H, J, K, L, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y, or Z in "Team" either.

   5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?

   Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.

   Relationships always start out as "You're smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it's all a joke to you!"

   Live music can take me to another place. Like tonight the music was so bad I went to another place.

   The lower the number of dates you've had is directly proportionate to the greater the chances of your winning on Jeopardy.

   Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

   When Trump said he'd "Give every American a Job" I didn't realise there's was just one job & they'd all get a turn. #mooch