Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!

   The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

   Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.

   I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry..

   All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.

   You can tell the Beastie Boys were really close because they would finish each other’s sentences.

   I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.

   If at any point in your life you feel useless, just remember there are people on the BMW assembly lines that install turn signals..”

   Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”

   My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...

   A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

   I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.

   Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?

   If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?

   I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

   *breaks a sweat* Sweatshop Owner: You’re gonna have to pay for that

   Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler's Anonymous?

   A massage is just professional petting for humans.

   Oh where oh where can the server be? .... Oh where oh where can it be?..... trump wants the server and he wants it now.... Oh where oh where can it be?

   Rest areas are weird.... The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.