Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special, we pretty much just tell them straight up that they are going to die."

   So after winning the game I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV. Apparently, this is unacceptable in bowling.

   If you want to go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came, then your probably a alcoholic.

   Waiter: What would you like? Me: I’ll have the Double Deep Fried McMeme Supreme with extra spicy cream.

   I've always wanted to lay naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace. Unfortunately, Cracker Barrel has a policy against this.

   . Was the rainbow that appeared over capitol building a sign of approval from above that the dem won the control of the house.

   This economy has made me so poor, when I heard of the last supper, I thought I was running out of food stamps.

   My favorite part about switching back to standard time is getting to relive the last hour of my life. A real live 'do-over'

   If change is good, exact change is even better.

   Someone just told me I wasn’t as dumb as I looked and now I’m confused, was it an insult or a compliment?

   Now, Jose won't take away the toilet scrubbing job away from me.

   OK. So Donald Duck never wore pants, but when he steps out of the shower he puts a towel around his waist. What's up with that?

   the dentist says I need a crown. I'm like "I know, right? "

   The secret to a happy marriage.... Jack Daniels on the rocks

   Why do baby clothes have pockets ?

   Guys the secret to a happy marriage...... "Honey, you're absolutely right."

   Untill I got married, I never knew there was a wrong way to put the milk back into the fridge.

   . just like Ty-D-Bol, the blue wave will wash all the crap away.

   I told someone that Kansas was dead to me. His reply was 'did it drop another house on your sister'?

   I went to Disneyland once. It seemed like kind of a Mickey Mouse operation.