Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People ask to meet for coffee so they can pick my brain almost every week. If you don’t want to pay for consultancy I don’t have a brain.

   My friend hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. He gets his snickers in a twix.

   My grandpa was so competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last, he said, "Staring contest......GO".

   When someone says "Only God can judge me" what they are really saying "I know it's wrong but I still don't care."

   I was thinking about going to Walmart for Black Friday but I couldn't find my pajamas.

   "Who let the dogs out?" - [Pavlov getting annoyed]

   British PhD student Matthew Hedges has been pardoned in the United Arab Emirates! All he has to do is visit the Embassy to pick up his papers!

   brought to you in full digital and also giving out coupons for your box.

   The older I get, the more sense it makes to have a TV in the bathroom.

   Thankful saturday: The saturday after Thanksgiving when all your relatives have finally gone back home.

   Never buy my grandchildren's christmas presents in november. They really seem fun...and Christmas is in more than a month...oh what the heck: I have to try them. It's party time!

   I remember going to see Dr Hook in the 80s. Worst prostate exam ever!! 😲

   Good cooks don’t bake pies that taste like scented candles. cc: Darlene Van Der Pooten

   Research has suggested that the internet has made us less intelligent and less patient. I don't understand that so I'm moving on.

   my dad calls me BJ because that's all I was ever supposed to be :(

   It’s not unusual to get Tom Jones songs stuck in your head.

   They say a man's "member" can be gauged by the size of their feet. That maybe why my sister dates clowns.

   Get your copy of "Who's Boat is this Boat" today!

   Girlfriend asked me to come to her place for a Black Friday special. All clothes were 100% off.

   I think some of my friend's have substituted their prescription meds with Facebook to feel thankful during the holiday seasons.