Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the best way to piss off your wife is to tell her her pants look too loose.....

   This is my facebook. This is my gun. This is for posting this is for fun

   This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine...

   -- Magazine collectors, they have a lot of issues....

   so F'n tired of those cheesy Old Navy mannequin commercials!!! Are they really hurting for money that they cant pay real actors????

   -- If pubs don't serve really drunk people why do Mcdonalds serve really fat people?

   Wales..The only country you can get a great sh@g,a delicious Hotpot and a Smashing Jumper all from the same Animal.

   i just fitted a strobe light in the bedroom....it makes it look like the wife's moving during sex

   BEHIND EVERY GREAT WOMAN IS A MAN.......CHECKING OUT HER A$$....

   My cosmetic surgery might have gone wrong but I'm smiling on the inside.

   I text u, you take 30 mins to reply, I'm with u, ur hands r glued to ur phone....

   To the producers of Tylenol cherry-flavored cough syrup, HAVE you ever tasted a cherry before??

   went to a massage parlor today and asked for a happy ending, the lady looked at me and said "The Princess kissed the Frog, and turned in to a prince and they lived hapily every after" that will be a 100 bucks thank you,

   Never say "maybe" to a kid. All they hear is "I swear on my life that this will definitely happen."

   I hate when women fish for compliments by mentioning that they've gained a few pounds. I don't bite. Instead I offer, "yeah, maybe you're pregnant."

   naked picturs of the Queen!......OOOPS! this is'nt Google

   If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't follow. I'd be at the bottom to catch them when they fall.

   Sometimes I give my kids random punishments and when they ask why I tell them, "You know what you did!" When they don't argue back I know it was justified.

   I'm pretty sure if I washed my face like the girls on face wash commercials, my roommates would be really pissed about the puddles all over the bathroom floor.

   so sick she feels like Katy Perry..so hot and then cold..