Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The lemonade in my new McDonalds Shrek glass tastes funny!

   Watching "bang for your buck" on hgtv not what I thought it was!

   my Halo is held up by my horns

   being burried alive...please help

   Has The Power To Make you read my status!! :D

   Where can I find what youse all is smoking in here?

   often thought that what doesn't kill us makes us drink stronger liquor.

   when a guy is sexting does he get a phoner?

   so awesome, that when I go swimming, dolphins appear.

   surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.

   thinking of opening a drinking/gambling establishment and calling it Liquor Up Front, Poker in the Rear

   It was good to see the entire Chicagoland area come together around the Blackhawks. Watching the Cubs vs. Sox made me think... as much as it would disappoint me, I think the White Sox should leave Chicago and not come back. Its for unification.

   Suicide is away of telling God, You can't fire me I quit !!!!!

   pop pop popsicle.. ice ice icicle.. test test oh wait..

   Thinks they should have Extreme Bejeweled Blitz Tournaments on the OCHO

   Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

   Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

   I'd rather be late in this world than early in the next.

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: "This one had insurance. Don't kill him."

   My Girlfriend says I have a way with words..the WRONG way.