Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   learnt a valuable lesson today about not putting "PUSH DOOR" stickers onto glass sliding doors, he would also like to wish a speedy recovery to Jill in HR, although the b*tch really did have it coming...

   I think all woman should come with a satisfaction guarantee label

   In the 1960's, people took acid to make the world weird... Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..

   your hairstyle aint your lifestyle

   sometimes feels like I'm stuck at school in an episode of Peanuts where all I hear is "blah blah blah...blah blah...blah blah blah blah"

   pretty sure that if fortune telling was real every fortune in every fortune cookie would read "You are about to eat a stale cookie, boo-yah!"

   If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   If you suddenly find you cannot fix it, screw it up so nobody else can !

   Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

   voices!!!! screamin in my head dont lead the path that I tread!

   whatever I want too!!

   I used to love, respect and cherish every moment we spent together and then something happened...oh yeah, I built a bridge and got over it!

   Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

   The reverse side also has a reverse side?

   flashing your titts in public doesnt make you a wh*re, its makes you AWESOME!!

   Powerless to know the truth... Blinded by what I wanted to see... Ashamed that I let you in... Painful with how I'm left feeling... Devastated as I knew better...

   A skeleton was trying to fart in a crowded place but in the end it couldn't because it had no guts.

   When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. Then start swinging. Make it hard for them to hit a moving target.

   Do you know the four signs of growing old? 1. Forgetting names, 2. Forgetting faces, 3. Forgetting to zip up, 4. Forgetting to zip down.